Stepping out of the waiting room: Why who you let in matters

I love people and I like bringing people close to me. I enjoy sharing my heart and hearing others share theirs. I always thought a big circle of people around me was the way to live.

And then I stepped further in my healing journey.

And I’m realizing there are only a few people who are meant to be in my inner circle during this level of healing.

It doesn’t mean I end relationships or shut people out, it simply means I’m careful about who I share the deep things with. Danny Silk has an amazing teaching on relationship circles that is helpful to illustrate this, I encourage you to check that out.

You see, the kind of healing that leads to wholeness is deep work.

It’s hard.

It’s messy.

It hurts.

I began to realize that somewhere along the way I started erasing myself, abandoning myself. That self-erasure actually caused a lot of harm to me, even though they were choices I was making at the time.

When I first started healing from this, I shared it with someone who was close to me. I briefly told of the pain I had caused myself and how I desired to learn to do something different.

And you know what they said? “That’s not true. I never saw you deny yourself. You’ve always shared your opinions and known what you wanted.”

To which I responded, “I understand that’s what you’ve seen but our experiences have been very different. The way I’ve experienced myself has caused me pain and I’ll be healing from that now and doing things differently.”

And as I’ve processed this person’s reaction, I realize that they can’t be in my inner circle as I heal. In fact, without even thinking about it, I stopped sharing about the healing process, the celebrations and hang-ups. (I’m still in relationship with this person, just not sharing the nuances of my healing journey).

As I heal deeper layers, I’m learning who can handle the level of depth I’m going.

It’s kind of like this: your healing journey is like being in labor and delivery. Seriously, think about it, it’s messy, it’s painful, you aren’t always the best version of yourself. But at the end of it all (sometimes long and laborious) you have a beautiful gift, a new person to introduce to the world.

And when you are in labor, you choose who is in the room with you and I know I didn’t want a ton of people in there. Only the closest, most necessary people to help get me through.

It was a small circle.

Everyone else could wait in the waiting room or by their phone.

It wasn’t that I didn’t love them but for that particular process, they did not need to be that up close and personal.

When we are healing, the same is true. We must be intentional about who we let into the room.

And sometimes, access needs to change and that can feel like asking someone to step out of the room.

It’s been difficult for me, as I just want to share my heart and life with as many people as I can, to keep a tight inner circle as I heal. I’ve felt guilty about it, I’ve struggled with not sharing everything with everyone.

When this happens naturally, it reminds me that not everyone can hold this level of access.

And that’s okay.

The kind of healing that leads to wholeness doesn’t need to be announced or explained to everyone. In time, people will simply see the fruit of it in the small changes that begin to shape your life.

If you’re in the middle of your own transformation, it might be worth asking yourself who is in your inner circle right now.

Not everyone needs to be in the room while the deep work is happening. Because in the end, it isn’t the size of the circle that matters.

It’s the depth of trust within it.