The Hole in my Bucket

Why no amount of reassurance ever felt like enough

Sometimes I look back and wonder, ‘Just how much did my insecurity stop me from experiencing?’

I’ve always been a fairly confident person, up for adventures, like to explore new things, often saying ‘yes’. So I’m not thinking about experiences I missed out on.

I consider relationships I missed out on.

When someone asks to meet up for coffee once, I happily say yes because I love people. When someone asks for a second coffee, I’m honestly slightly confused.

Did I really add that much value to them? I wonder what they want from me?

Rarely is my first thought, ‘I guess they really liked me!’

Actually that thought hardly ever crosses my mind at all.

You see, I’ve gone through life assuming no one really likes me, they only like what I can give them.

That has put immense pressure on me to perform and please and has blocked so much deeper connection.

I think about my precious mother-in-law. For years, we had a very strained relationship. Why? Because I thought she tolerated me. I had no idea she truly loved me.

Looking back, I can’t help but wonder, ‘If I had really known I was loved, how would I have shown up differently?’

First of all, I would’ve been more willing to show up.

And I would’ve shown up fully myself, ready to connect!

When I think about that..willingly showing up as my full self..well, that feels like freedom!

Freedom to be awkward.

Freedom to not say the right thing all the time.

Freedom to allow for silence.

Freedom to share my own experiences.

Freedom to be enjoyed instead of evaluated.

No pretenses. No hiding. No shirking myself to fit in. No leaving and replaying conversations, assuming I said the wrong thing.

You see, all of those things blocked true connection.

When I didn’t believe I was loved and chosen, relationships became a performance.

How about you? Do you really believe that people like you and want to be around you? Are you able to show up as yourself, or as an actor in a play?

Ed Khouri shares that we often get (and stay) stuck in people pleasing and performing (as well as avoiding pain and holding on to pleasure) when we are missing grace.

He defines grace as the deep assurance that you are wanted, cherished, and chosen for relationship. He uses words like ‘favorite’ and ‘special’. When you are favorite and special, you are important to someone, they are happy to be with you, they choose you.

When we don’t believe we are someone’s favorite or that we are special or that someone wants a relationship with us, we naturally resort to people-pleasing and performing.

It’s wild, isn’t it? It’s fear based.

In my insecurity, I didn’t believe I was chosen or cherished, so I ended up blocking true connection.

It wasn’t that I wanted to live like that, I honestly had no idea that was what I was looking for. And honestly, even when I did receive assurance that I was special and favorite, that fear wouldn’t let me fully accept it.

And imagine trying to convince someone that you love them.

I call it a hole in the bucket.

No matter how much you pour out, if someone has a hole in their bucket, they will not be able to hold all that you are pouring out. You will drive yourself crazy and to the point of exhaustion.

This is why overcoming insecurity is ultimately an inside job.

No amount of reassurance from others can permanently fill a hole we aren't willing to acknowledge ourselves.

The problem isn't that people aren't pouring love into us.

The problem is that sometimes we don't have a way to hold it.

You’ve got to be aware of the hole in your bucket and be willing to do something about it.

Part of that process is finding people who love you and whose faces light up when they see you! And it’s also learning to love yourself.

We cannot give what we haven’t received. And that goes for love too.

As a Heart Optimization Coach, I help people to slow down long enough to discover what is going on inside of their own hearts. I refuse to label people-pleasing or performing as ‘bad’ or ‘fake’. Instead, we look deeper to help plug the hole in your bucket, so that you can truly receive that you are loved, cherished and chosen. From there, we watch behaviors change, from the inside out.

Honestly, I’m sparked to write this blog because I’ve been running into those old thought patterns. I recently joined a networking group and I received some connect cards from some very brilliant women. I found myself scared to look at the cards, and petrified to contact them because I had that old reel in my head: “They were just being nice. They won’t really like you.”

And I stood up to that old thought and said, “No way! Not anymore. I will not let my insecurities prevent me from connection, relationships, and new friends.”

Sometimes I still wonder how many relationships I missed because I assumed I was merely tolerated instead of genuinely loved.

I can't get those years back.

But I can choose differently now.

Every time insecurity whispers, "They don't really like you," I have an opportunity to answer:

"Maybe they do."

And maybe that's where connection begins.