I Had Room for My Own

What my mom's stroke taught me about emotional maturity

I missed the call from my sister. Eventually I saw the text message she sent to me and my brother sharing that she was at the ER with our mom. She was certain it was a stroke.

I responded to the text before I saw that she had tried to call me.

I dialed her back and she was with mom, waiting for CT scans so they could determine what had really happened. She shared that mom had noticed weakness in her right hand while doing the dishes earlier that day. Mom thought she was overtired so she went to lay down. When she woke up from her nap, her speech was slurred to the point of incoherence. She was able to verbalize “I don’t feel good” as her husband noticed the signs of a stroke and made the appropriate phone calls.

I live three and a half hours away. I wasn’t sure what to do except pray.

As I prayed, I felt a peace wash over me. I knew my sister was the right person to be with my mom. After all, with her years of nursing experience in a variety of departments, she knew what to look for and what to ask for. I trusted my sister to do what needed to be done to get my mom the best care.

And I felt calm.

I didn’t have big emotions. I wasn’t future tripping and imagining the worst.

Which felt strange.

This wasn't how I normally responded to crisis.

I’ve spent a lot of my life being deeply empathic. And that has meant that I pick up everyone else’s emotions and carry them as my own.

I could imagine how scary it was for everyone involved-from my sister to my mom to my mom’s husband. I could see the worry in my kids’ faces as I shared the news with them.

But I didn’t pick up every other emotion around me. I didn’t have to feel everyone’s fear and concern. I had room for my own and that was enough. That was all I had to carry.

I stayed grounded and present.

And from that place, I made the decision to clear my schedule for the next few days and drive down to be with my mom and sister.

My husband was watching me like he was waiting for me to fall apart. And I was honestly wondering the same thing. Every time a kid asked, “Is Grandma going to be okay?”, every time the phone dinged I wondered, ‘is this what breaks me?’

When would it flood me? When would I drown in the emotions of all of it?

I thought something was wrong with me. I shared with a friend, “I don’t know if I have any emotions about this.”

But as I processed, I realized the emotions were there. They were actually in their rightful place.

Instead of overwhelming me and propelling me forward, my emotions were manageable. I was making decisions and moving things forward without the big emotions.

And then the truth hit, “There’s nothing wrong with you, Amber. You are experiencing the fruit of your growth. This is emotional maturity.”

Taking things one step at a time.

Making decisions based on my core values and not on how I felt.

Staying calm and present.

And I recognized my empathy was still on but that too, was in its rightful place.

I could recognize what was mine and what belonged to someone else and I didn’t need to take on everyone else’s stuff.

And that allowed me to show up fully myself—a calm presence. Not adding to the chaos and confusion, but asking questions and simply being with the people I love.

The stroke my mom had was a small one and she is recovering beautifully.

And I learned what it’s like for me to have emotions but not be overridden by them.

What I experienced that week wasn't a personality change. It was the result of years of learning how to stay connected to myself in the middle of hard things.

Maybe you are reading this thinking, ‘I wonder what it would feel like to not be overcome by my emotions.’ You might even read this and be fighting the urge to pick up on the possible emotions that are just under the surface of this piece.

If so, it’s okay. That was me, not too long ago.

I’ve done the work of reconnecting with myself so that I can stay grounded and belong to me first, no matter what comes up.

I’ve actually created a coaching program for women who are where I used to be. It’s called Heart Optimization: Reconnection. Together we walk through three months of learning who you are and how to be that person, no matter what is happening around you.

I invite you to book a call with me to learn more about this new program. Whether you are reading this and desiring more emotional maturity and groundedness or you are reading this and thinking I must have become cold-hearted somewhere along the way. If either of those reactions resonate with you, it may be worth getting curious about your own relationship with emotions and groundedness.

Having emotions is part of being human.

Learning that we can feel them without being overridden by them is part of becoming whole.

No matter where you are on that journey, keep walking.

And remember, you don't have to walk alone.