Over-Functioning for a Good Cause

It’s amazing the ways that over-functioning can jump up and bite me. I often fall into it again before recognizing what I’m doing.

This current catch has been months in the making.

My youngest daughter asked to school from home this past year. We found an amazing online school and got her enrolled. While this has been better for her than in-person school, it’s not the best option. We decided together that we’d try something different next year.

Cue my over-functioning pattern.

My little brain lights up, “Ooo, we’re doing something new and it has to be the best.” And I hit the research like a pro. Pouring through resources for each core subject. Reading reviews. Finding things I could supplement with. Setting a schedule and starting to build a daily checklist…

In April.

School starts in August.

I was determined she’d have the best education ever, and I would personally oversee it. As well as motivate her, help manage her emotions when things get hard, teach her everything I know (plus some), set up an amazing environment for her to learn from, and work very hard to ensure that she loves learning.

When I read that list back, first of all, I’m exhausted. Secondly, I recognize that only some of those things are in my control.

Cue the warning bells.

I kept telling myself and my husband, “It’ll be fine.”

But I felt the tug in my heart. I couldn’t explain it and wasn’t even fully aware of it but each time I saved a new resource to my list, I could feel the tension in my chest. It felt like extra weight and it was getting heavy.

And then one day, it hit me, “Amber, you are already wearing yourself out and it’s not even close to next school year.”

I had to take a step back. A big step back.

I was trying to do all of the things and do them perfectly. In my head, I had ideals, expectations, and end goals for my daughter all planned out. But I didn’t have her buy in.

Here I was again, running ahead, to make sure that everything was going to be good.

And as I ran ahead, I accidentally left my daughter behind.

That’s what over-functioning does. It makes it all my responsibility and it leaves out the other half of the relationship.

As I took that step back, I realized what I was doing. I was willing to put in the work while unintentionally removing her responsibility from the equation.

I was willing to carry a weight that wasn’t actually mine to carry.

I paused and asked myself, ‘What is it that really matters for next year?’

And while I want to set big goals for her, I realized that what matters most is my relationship with her. It also matters that she has the freedom to explore learning in her own style and that she has time and energy at the end of the day to pursue things that she loves.

“What will get us there?”

Honestly, a simpler, easy-to-use curriculum. Something that I can set up guardrails for and she can lead and explore within those guardrails.

Deep in my heart, I know that this is the best chance of her loving to learn.

And she’ll need the freedom and space to do that.

I was functioning for a good cause, no one could question my motives or intentions because they were pure. As well-intentioned as I was, I quickly slipped into doing too much. Putting all the weight and pressure of it on myself.

Honestly, this is a difficult one for me to let go of.

But as we move forward, together we are setting a plan. She has a say in what next school year looks like for her. She is empowered to share her thoughts and feelings, as I stay curious.

While there is a bit of sadness in this release, there’s also peace and calm. My nervous system is learning that I’m safe even if I’m not working overtime. I’m valuable, even if I don’t have all the answers. I’m a good mom, even if we don’t use the best resources.

Breaking up with over-functioning is a journey. And this was one more step in my healing.

If you recognize yourself as over-functioning and you are exhausted by it, I’d love to chat with you and see if we can work together. There’s a different way to live that is far less exhausting.

Grab a quick 30-minute call with me to discover if this might be a good fit.