I Stopped Making Relationships Easy

I have a thing in a close relationship that I’m navigating.

This relationship is rarely mutual, mostly because I don’t let it be. Not even that, I haven’t known how to show up for a mutual relationship.

In case you haven’t picked up on it yet, I’m a recovering over-functioning, codependent. (And everyone says, “Hi, Amber.”)

No, that doesn’t mean that I’m in relationships with addicts and I enable their addictions.

It means that somewhere along the way I learned that in order to be safe or accepted I had to be hyper-responsible. I started believing that my worth in relationships came from making sure the other person barely noticed me or my needs. I aimed to be easy to love and that meant carrying all the relational load so the other person didn’t have to carry any of it.

But I’m learning something different.

And it’s weird.

So, I have this thing and it’s kind of uncomfortable and realistically I could sit with myself and figure it out and never have to have this conversation. Or at the very least I could come up with 3-4 solutions and have the conversation but bring my pre-made decisions to the table and see which one fits best for the other person.

Super easy for the other person!

Problem solved before they even know there is a problem.

Keeps me safe and pleasing and acceptable.

And out of mutual relationships.

Which is no longer okay for me.

So, I’m preparing for a conversation. I’m thinking through what I’ve been experiencing and how I’ve been experiencing it. I’m not thinking through all of the possible solutions. I’m only preparing how I will start the conversation.

Honestly, the preparation looks like wording it in a way that doesn’t blame the other person but simply shares my perspective.

Why? Because my perspective is important. My experiences have room to be explored and discussed.

I’m no longer denying myself or ‘fixing’ me in order to keep the other person comfortable.

I see it like this, when you go to a restaurant and sit in a booth, you can sit across from each other or next to each other. How do you usually sit?

I have married friends who sit next to each other.

And I think that’s beautiful. It’s what I desire in my marriage and friendships. To me, it’s what mutual looks like.

We are sitting, side-by-side and together we will deal with whatever is in front of us.

The posture is different.

I’m learning how to show up with a different posture.