What If You Are Walking Toward the Exact Thing You Are Trying to Avoid?

In this blog we break down why your brain cannot hear the word don't, and why most people stay stuck simply because they are focused on what they want to escape instead of where they actually want to go.

-Rebecca Misek

I once stepped into mud on a hike that went up halfway to my calf. Wrong shoes, wrong moment, no way through except slow and stuck, like Fred Flintstone trying to start his car with his feet.

That is exactly what happens when we hit an emotional muddy trail. Fear. Overwhelm. Procrastination. Self doubt. We see it coming, and instead of finding higher ground, we walk straight into it.

“Wherever I point my face when I get up, my body goes in that direction. Whatever I put my mind toward is the direction I walk.”

The Toxic Ten

Joseph McClendon III calls them the Toxic Ten. Procrastination, hesitation, fear of failure, fear of success, self doubt, self loathing, imposter syndrome, stress, overwhelm, fear of rejection.

These are the muddy trails. And most of us do the one thing we would never do on an actual hike. We see the mud coming and walk straight into the middle of it, sometimes staying stuck there for an entire day.

The Real Fix

The biggest reason people stay stuck is not lack of effort. It is a lack of clarity about what they actually want.

I worked with a client who hated her job and had sent out resumes for a month with zero response. We named what was happening as a muddy trail, and shifted her focus from getting away from her job to what she actually wanted next.

Three days later she had an offer on the table.

“If you keep saying you hate this, that it is overwhelming, that it should be different, you will get more overwhelmed. More unhappy. More of exactly what you do not want.”

Your Brain Cannot Hear the Word Don't

Tell a toddler don't spill your milk and they spill it. Every time. It is not defiance. It is how the brain processes language. The word don't barely registers. What sticks is the image, spilled milk, and the brain moves toward it.

My co-coach Amber learned this with her own kids. Instead of don't spill your milk, she would say keep your sippy cup upright. Same goal, opposite instruction, completely different result.

We do this to ourselves constantly. I need to get rid of debt locks your brain onto debt. I need rest before I burn out locks it onto burnout. The very thing you are trying to escape becomes the thing you are pointed toward.

No More Does Not Work Either

My husband Dan once described the life he wanted as no more hiding, no more playing small, no more shying away from opportunities. Every phrase points his focus directly at hiding, playing small, and shying away.

This is also why I will never be like my father so often ends up being exactly how someone becomes like their father. Focus on what you do not want to become is still focus. And focus moves you somewhere.

Get Specific About What You Want

Vague desires do not have enough energy to move you anywhere. I want enough money is a start. I want enough to employ people in a healthy environment and watch their dreams come true has an entirely different charge.

Ask yourself what you actually want, not what you are trying to avoid. Put a number on it. Define what it looks like. Then ask why it matters, because that why is what gets you out of bed.

“A million dollar business is clear. A billion dollar business is even clearer, because it forces you to ask what that kind of impact actually requires of you.”

Where Are You Pointing Your Face

Before you can avoid the next muddy trail, you need to know what you are walking toward, not what you are escaping.

Not where are you trying to avoid going. Where are you actually going? And once you know, why does it matter to you?

That is the why that turns a muddy trail into nothing more than a patch of ground you calmly walk around, on your way to exactly where you meant to go.

Where are you pointing your face today?