I don’t hold grudges, my body holds fear

“Stop holding grudges.”

“Why can’t you let that go?”

“You hold on to everything!”

These are phrases I’ve heard from my husband.

And they’ve cut to the quick.

I’m forgiving and gracious. I make space for mistakes and work hard to keep my heart soft and open.

I utter the words, “I forgive.” I understand the importance of specific forgiveness.

“I forgive _______ for _________ even though I felt ________. I release him/her into the freedom of my forgiveness.”

More than that, I let myself feel the emotions as they come up. I have healthy ways of processing what I’m feeling. Nothing is staying buried or stuck.

And yet the experience is that I’m holding on to things.

At first, I’d just get angry about it and make it known that I’m a forgiving person. I do not hold grudges.

But something happened this week and it’s validating both of our experiences.

My heart and mind have let go of past offenses.

My body has not.

My nervous system remembers and its job is to protect me. So the anxiety kicks in. My body says, “Whoa, we’ve been here before and we don’t want to do that again.”

The fight-or-flight response is loud inside of me.

Walls are thrown up as self-protection.

I have to get away and keep myself safe, at any cost.

I reach for the only logical thing I have…the past offense. I throw it out there like a grenade and I let it blow up.

There is confusion and chaos on both sides.

I’m confused because I forgave that. I know I did. I don’t even think about that offense anymore. Where did that come from? Why is it coming up now? What is going on?

This week I could feel it, stuck in my body, my nervous system holding on to an old narrative. My brain worked overtime to make sense of why the anxiety was rising, why I just felt the need to protect myself. My brain flips through old files, landing on the last time I felt this way.

“This must be it!” my brain exclaims and the rest of me says, “That makes sense, let’s go with that.”

It all changed this week. I felt it. My brain filled in the gap with old information. And I paused.

I sat with the uncomfortable. I let there be silence.

And in that space and time (and it took a long time),I was able to let my true self lead—the grounded, wise part of me. And she knew it was already forgiven, that there was evidence of change since that offense, that I could trust.

And I (my true self) told my brain to destroy that file because it was old and outdated. I told my nervous system to calm down and focus on the evidence that supports the truth that I am safe and loved.

After a bit of tug-o-war, my nervous system let go.

Now there is space for a new narrative, for new experiences, new evidence.

I love being nervous system informed, I do believe that our bodies hold on to things and we need to be gentle with ourselves when that happens.

But we cannot use that to stay stuck, but we can honor what our bodies carry without letting it define our future. Our nervous systems are part of us that we have to learn how to lead.

I don’t know about you but I don’t want to stay prisoner to the stored memories that caused pain. When I forgive from my heart, I also want my body to release it as well. I want to share, with myself, evidence that the people in my life are good and kind and loving.

Forgiveness is not only releasing someone in your heart—it is teaching your body that it is safe to release them too.