I don’t have to finish it tonight

I’ve been working on a puzzle and I’m at the most difficult part of it. I’m down to under 100 pieces but they are all different shades of brown. It’s driving me crazy!

I sit down and am lucky to get 3-5 pieces in place in 15 minutes.

I’m determined to finish it but it’s taking time.

I was reflecting on some upcoming transitions in my life, anticipating what life will be like when these changes happen and how I’ll respond. (Not to mention the anticipation of how others will respond.) I’m actually a little stuck in how I think I should respond and all of that feels like pressure. And pressure makes me feel stuck, and being stuck makes me feel afraid.

Here I am standing at the brink of transitions, fearful.

And then I thought about my puzzle.

It’s coming together. Slowly.

One piece at a time.

That’s how this transition will happen too. One piece at a time.

It’s okay that I can’t see the whole picture completed yet, I’m not supposed to. But every choice, conversation, curiosity or check-in with those around me and myself will put a new piece in place.

It’s interesting, I used to push through and neglect sleep in order to finish a puzzle that was this close to be finished. There was something inside of me that just wouldn’t rest until it was finished.

I used to live like that.

Anticipating every possible reaction.

Doing the emotional labor before anything even happened.

Trying to control the outcome so no one felt uncomfortable.

My mind rarely rested.

As I’m looking back, I realize that was all about control. I was working so hard to control the outcomes.

It’s funny, now I can leave a puzzle with under 100 pieces and work on it slowly. The puzzle is still fun because I haven’t made it a job.

Maybe transitions are puzzles like this.

Slow.

Imperfect.

Coming together in ways we can’t fully see yet.

One piece at a time.