When the gears don’t line up: Alignment and Belonging
When the Gears Don’t Line Up is a series for those seasons when life feels out of sync. These reflections explore misalignment, internal healing, and the quiet practice of listening to yourself—especially when the external world feels confusing or tense.
Why is it so much easier to erase ourselves rather than to upset someone else?
At least that’s my story. Deny, lose and override myself until there is nothing left.
That’s been my biggest joy in getting my own internal gears lined up…no longer losing myself!
When I was out of whack inside myself, I was blown about by the whims of everyone else. It was like my identity was decided on by others. If they were happy with me and my choices, I was good and easy to be around (and honestly, that felt safe and secure). If they were disappointed with me, the internal stories of ‘I must be a bad person’ spiraled in my head, heart and body. I didn’t feel safe.
And was very far from secure.
I remember the days when belonging meant abandoning myself to belong to others. It meant being careful that I wasn’t too much but also wasn’t too little.
It’s funny, looking back, the desire to belong, and the fear of not belonging drove me.
We sometimes label it ‘people-pleasing’ but what’s underneath it is really fear of rejection or loss of relationship.
And it makes us do all sorts of things:
Say yes when we want to say no
Pretend like we are okay, even if we aren’t
Deny our own needs to give someone else their desires
Live in constant sacrifice mode
When it gets quiet and you’re alone, you start to realize that all the things you are doing to belong leaves you feeling like you don’t fit anywhere.
“If they really knew what I thought…”
“If I actually said no….”
“If I paused to take care of myself…”
The … is open-ended but if we fill in the blanks, it’s
…would they still be my friend?
…would they still like me?
…would I still be invited?
The thing I’m learning is that I belong to myself first. That’s why this journey to inner alignment has been so powerful.
I belong to me and my Creator and for me, that’s enough.
So I’ll voice my thoughts and opinions, I’ll say no, I’ll be loud and too much sometimes or quiet and reserved other times.
There’s no box I have to fit in.
Alignment hasn’t made life quieter, but it has made me truer.
Belonging to myself has been an amazing journey and it’s the heart of the work I now offer through coaching and prayer ministry.
If something in you whispered “me too” while reading this, that’s often where the journey begins. You can learn more about Walking Toward Wholeness.
