Your First Assumption Might Be Telling You More About You

In this blog we unpack why the stories we write about our friends are actually stories about us, why silence gets misread as rejection, and why the healthiest friendships are the ones where we ask instead of assume.

-Rebecca Misek

I sent a text message.

I did my best with it, said what I meant to say, hit send.

And then... nothing.

No reply. Not for the rest of the night.

At first I went straight to the story.

Did I say something wrong?

Did I do something wrong?

You know the one. It starts small and then it just keeps writing itself.

But I caught myself.

I asked, what's most important right now?

And the truth was, I was being present with my family.

That person had free time and wasn't texting, and that was allowed to just be what it was.

So I asked myself another question.

Is this an insecure attachment showing up right now?

Is this true?

And then, what meaning do I actually want to give this?

That person just needed some time.

They did.

And I got to choose that meaning instead of the other one.

Everyone Is a Mirror

Here's the thing I keep coming back to.

Everyone is a mirror, and it's likely you might be demonizing your own reflection.

You have a friend you adore.

They do something that doesn't make sense to you.

Or they go quiet for a while.

Or they say something weird.

And your mind starts filling in the blanks.

What did I do wrong?

What happened to us?

And here's the part that gets me every time.

The story is never about them.

When I'm writing that story in my head, it's actually about me and what's going on inside of me.

Whatever story you reach for first is a mirror.

It's built out of your own fear, your own history, your own stuff.

That's not something we do on purpose.

Silence shows up, and instead of asking a question, we fill it ourselves.

And we can end up writing a beautifully horrific story about a person we love, when the real answer was never that dark.

The Cave

Amber and I have talked about this in our own friendship.

There are seasons where Amber gets quiet.

She has this cave she goes to.

And I know that could easily be misread.

You don't love me.

You're not really my friend.

You'd come to me if you cared.

But here's what I know about her.

When she disappears to that cave, she's doing something healthy.

Not everyone retreats that way.

Some people retreat to build up whatever poison they need to build up more of before they explode.

Amber and I, when we retreat, we're letting things fizzle down so we can come back solution oriented and productive.

So I don't make up the story.

I ask her instead.

Are you in a cave moment?

How can I come alongside you right now?

What do you need?

That's the whole remedy.

It's the elixir that takes care of the entire thing.

Ask questions.

Boundaries Before Breakup

We've created a culture where the second we're not perfectly aligned with someone, we say we're not friends anymore.

We cut people off.

But boundaries exist before breakup does.

And here's something worth sitting with.

Boundaries are meant to protect the relationship, not push it away.

A lot of us build boundaries out of self-protection and rejection, and at that point it's not really a boundary anymore.

A real boundary says, I'm going to show up this way so we can keep having the beautiful relationship we have.

It's about connection, not distance.

Forgiveness takes one person. Reconciliation takes two.

Before You Write the Story

One of our members described it as picking up everyone's backpack and trying to hike up the mountain carrying it for them, and then complaining about how heavy it got.

That's what happens when we skip the boundary and go straight to fixing, rescuing, or absorbing what was never ours to carry in the first place.

So before you write a story about someone else, check the story that's already inside of you first.

Before you assume someone's mad at you, ask whether you're actually mad at yourself.

Ask whether the thing you're telling yourself is even true.

A Few Questions Worth Sitting With

• What's a story you've told yourself about something a friend did, that you never actually asked them about?

• What's one honest question you could ask instead?

• When you're confused by a friend's actions, what does your first assumption usually reveal about you rather than about them?

• What would change if you asked instead of assumed?

If you want a little help knowing what to ask and how to start the conversation, I've created a guide for you.

Download the guide and use it the next time you find yourself filling in the blanks, questioning a relationship, or wondering what someone's silence means.

You don't have to make up the story. You can ask.