Relational Resilience: Learning to Survive Seasons of STUPID

No one escapes seasons of stupid. These are the times when we get hyper-focused on ourselves or our desires, sidelining the needs and feelings of others. Marriages, friendships, and even professional relationships go through these seasons—many don’t survive. But what if resilience, not perfection, was the key to thriving relationships?

Years ago, in my early 30s, I was navigating a season of rediscovering my faith. A new mentor took me under her wing during this time. I deeply respected her wisdom and relied on her grace to guide me. But our friendship faced a breaking point when I felt God leading me toward a relationship she had advised against. I wrestled with her caution but knew in my spirit I had to follow God's leading. When I shared my decision, she responded with distance, hurt, and eventually a heated phone call full of accusations.

It was painful and humbling. I felt the sting of rejection but chose to keep the door open for reconciliation. I understood that she was battling things inside of herself, too. I sent her occasional messages, made reassuring eye contact when we crossed paths at church and prayed for healing. Months after I married that man I felt led to pursue, she approached me, asking for forgiveness. She acknowledged her hurt feelings and thanked me for showing grace. We rebuilt our relationship on a stronger foundation of mutual respect, and today, we remain dear friends.

This experience taught me that relationships are most at risk when we fail to expect conflict or prepare for repair. Relational resilience is about building a plan for repair, one that allows grace and growth to take the lead. Here are seven aspects of such a plan:

1. Commit to Open Dialogue: Intentional commitment to each other means talking about it and working together to support and build each other up. It is a beautiful thing when you choose to grow from your mistakes instead of wallowing in self-pity and continually repeat the mistake in the next relationship. 

   
   

2. Set Realistic Expectations: Accept imperfection as part of the journey and a stepping stone to deeper connection. Setting realistic expectations includes the expectation that neither of you is perfect, but also that the odds of one or both of you failing the other at some point is expected. Accept that you can learn and grow and heal from these failures and it will make you stronger rather than breaking you.

   
   

3. Communicate Needs Clearly: Neglect breeds misunderstanding. Honest conversations about your needs create trust. Be brave and open about what your needs are. The best way to make sure your needs go unmet is to make sure they are not openly known. It may take a little work to even identify what your needs are, especially if you have been in a toxic pattern of people pleasing or an avoidant attachment style for any length of time. However, intentional awareness and brave communication about those needs will help you both avoid the pitfall of neglect by ignorance.

   
   

4. Voice Fears in Calm Spaces: Making a practice of considering what your fears are and sharing them in non-confrontational settings fosters mutual reassurance and preempts unnecessary conflict. It looks like having a conversation when things are going well about your biggest fears of things not going well. By speaking these fears out loud, just the act of bringing them into the light and into view of the executive function of the brain is enough to dispel some fears. But those that have deeper roots will need some emotional reassurance. By speaking them out in a calm and safe space, this invites the other person to reassure you and combat the fear and build renewed trust. 

   
   

5. Practice Brave Communication: Approach feelings with curiosity. Brave communication is allowing each other to communicate how they feel without judgement. It is important to learn how to approach someone who presents with an unexpected feeling with curiosity rather than hurt feelings or defensiveness. We can use language like "I feel...when...because..." and to be met with "I hear you say…[reflect back what was said].", or "When you say...I feel...do you want me to feel that way?" And key to this whole process is keeping in mind the goal of validating and fostering reconciliation. 

   
   

6. Adopt a Team Mentality: You are on the same team! Stop competing! Instead of being across from each other, intentionally come to the same side of the table or sit side by side on the couch to talk. This is a powerful positional awareness that will subconsciously help you to face the problem together, rather than the problem existing between you. 

   
   

7. Uproot Passivity: Assertiveness heals. Passive behaviors erode trust and create resentment that will ultimately implode when left untreated for too long. It is absolutely a disease of ignorance. It is most certainly not bliss. A lack of attunement to one's own needs and connecting the proper value to those needs will show up as passivity. It requires some deep work to practice becoming aware of your needs and being vulnerable enough to sit with the uncomfortable emotions it brings up. It is so worth it when the other person is intentional and nurturing to your bruised heart during this process. The side effects of uprooting passivity will affect your confidence, self-worth, your ability to love and be loved, and so much more. 

Relational resilience is a lifelong practice of grace, growth, and repair. If you’re looking for a community that models these principles, join us for a 30-day FREE trial in the Unshakable Life Community. Together, we’ll build relationships that thrive through every season.